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• To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
  -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coa...
• To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.
  For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional....
• To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire.
  These generally go for six hundred thousand. -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coa...
• To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks.
  There are, in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people....
• Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.
  The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death....
• half-done, n: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.
  The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death....
• Half-done: This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.
  The difference between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the difference between life and death....
• I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
  The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops....