Related:

• I want a screw. I need a good screw. -- from Green Card
• Homer: Wow, `Win a trip to Washington, DC. All expenses paid, VIP tour'.
  .. Oh, it's for kids. [throws into trash] Lisa: Wait, Dad....
• You can't put your VISA bill on your American Express card. -- P. J. O'Rourke
• On my first acid trip, I thought I was God. On my second acid trip I thought I was Jesus.
  On my third trip I thought I was Napoleon and on my fourth trip I thought I was a toadstool....
• DNA guy: Ooh, nice eyelash. Yours? Wiggum: No. We need to find out who it belonged to.
  We want a DNA test. DNA guy: Ooh, ooh, ee, ooh, ooh, that takes, uh, eight to ten weeks....
• Homer: OK, boy, I wrote down exactly what to say. Just read it and you're a shoo-in!
  Bart: [walks onstage, squints at cue cards] Hello, Mr....
• Announcer: It's a Krusty Kinda Khristmas, brought to you by ILG
  elling your body's chemicals after you die....
• Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
• The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.