Related:

• For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
  But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope....
• My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life.
  I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. -- Milton Berlele...
• I hope Santa brings me that mistletoe belt I asked for!...
• When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
  By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement....
• and before I knew what I was doing, I had kicked the typewriter and threw it around the room and made it beg for mercy.
  At this point the typewriter pleaded for me to dress him in feminine attire but instead I pressed his margin release over and over again until the typewriter lost consciousness....
• In the Plaza Hotel once, when I was doing the quiz show, there was a priest in the elevator.
  I hope you're not offended by this--I'd tell a story about a rabbi but it doesn't fit, and neither did the rabbi and they finally threw him out of the synagogue....
• Marge: Homer, did you eat my whole pan of brownies?
  Bart: Uh oh. You're in for it now, Dad. Homer: Marge, I'm feeling a lot of shame right now....