Top 10 reasons why there are no sex scandals in Singapore...
10. Can't even be naked in own home, how to have sex?
9. Ah Lians don't exactly turn our leaders on.
8. Our leaders are cloned; no need for sex.
7. Hotels in Geylang no longer allowed to rent out rooms by the hour.
6. Sex not one of the 5 C's.
5. Oral sex still illegal in Singapore.
4. SPGs only go for foreigners.
3. Kiasee - don't want to get AIDS
2. Amended Women's Charter can bankrupt adulterous men.
1. And the number one reason why there are no sex scandals...Still confused over condoms and condos.
 

Once upon a time, there was a king who had a daughter of marriageable age. As he was very fond of his daughter and he didn't want her to leave him, he made an impossible offer to his kingdom's men. He announced that whoever has two pricks would be eligible to marry his daughter. The invitation spread
far and wide. Of course there were no one who came forth, and the king was secretly pleased.
In another part of the kingdom, there were 2 woodcutter brothers, Jack & Jim. One day, they chanced upon a very big tree and decided to chop it down for it would fetch them a decent amount of money if sold as firewood.
As they were about to chop it down with their sharp axes, a voice cried out, "STOP! Please don't hurt me ! " The brothers were scared shitless when suddenly an apparition appeared from out of the tree. He told them that he was the genie of the tree and if they would to spare him, he would grant them a wish each.
Remembering the king's offer of his daughter as bride, the brothers each wished for a second prick. The genie said "Your wish is granted. Now... what you have wished for will fall down from the sky. You must catch it promptly with your hands and attach it to where you want it to be !" 
Jack was the first one to receive his wish. As the prick was falling down from the sky, he swiftly caught it with his hands and attached it right next to where his own prick is. 
Now, Jim was the clumsy one. As his second prick was hurling down , he missed and it landed right on his
forehead !!!
Jack, being the cool one, told Jim that it was alright and they should proceed to the palace to seek the princess's hand in marriage. After all, the king did say 2 pricks. Jim, not wanting to expose what he had on his forehead, took a long piece of cloth and wound it round his head like a turban to hide it.
It was 2 days later when they reached the palace. The king was summoned and he asked Jack to show him his 2 pricks. Jack took off his pants and proudly showed it off to him. The king sighed in dismay and resignation and also called on Jim to show him his 2 pricks. 
Embarrassed, Jim took off his pants and unwound his turban to reveal what's on his forehead. The king then yelled in disgust, "NI NA B EH ! YOU THIS TYPE OF LAN CHEOW BIN WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER AH ???!!!???? "
And so the term "Lan Cheow Bin" was coined.

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates. 
The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!" 
Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea. 
Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea. 
Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG
warret!" 
The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest. 
In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

Always must win
Never mind what they
think


Borrow but never return
Outdo everyone you know


Cheap is good
Pay only when necessary


Don't trust anyone
Quit while you are ahead


Everything also must
grab!
Rushing and pushing wins
the race


Free! Free! Free!
Sample are always
welcome


Grab first talk later
Take but don't give


Help yourself to
everything
Unless it's free forget
it


I first, I want, I
everything
Vow to be number one


Jump queue
Winner takes it ALL!
ALL! ALL!


Keep coming back for
more
Yell if necessary to get
what you want


Look for discount
Zebras are kiasu because
they want to


Must not lose face
be both black and white at the same time


 

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.
Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.
Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !
Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !
Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted. 
The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad. 
That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.
The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.
Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.
Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."
Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."
"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself
"Aim..."
"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

Ah Beng talks about Singapore history and current affairs...
Under the 'ang mo' we all live happily together, no complain.
Malaysia & Singapore is one big family in our brains.
One day we both like 2 durians cannot get along.
Got sharp thorns, poke each other, until 'buay song.'
One moment like brothers, can give and take.
Next moment we kena kicked out by the leg.
Wah! Our towkay also cry like mad,
we all also feel very very sad.
Our neigbours all say, 'Wah they all sure to die!
They got nothing, how to get next bowl of rice?'
So 'boh pian,' we all work day and night.
We also join the army so that we can fight.
We don't care others 'see us no up'.
But actually inside we very pain in the heart.
Then slowly hor we grow rich and a bit fat.
Now others talk about us also got some respect.
They scratch their heads and say
'Very funny! Got nothing how come they can still make money?'
Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone.
Nowadays even small kids can also afford hand phone.
Sea port, airport also can become Number One.
He! He! Sometimes think about it also very fun.
But some people look at us also not happy.
Actually they jealous don't want to say only.
So every time their country got something wrong.
They all say Singapore's behind it all along.
Everybody know we water no enough.
They turn off tap only we all cannot last.
They threaten us with water supply and shout 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Aiyoh! They all think the water is one big ketupat.
We all hear already also 'buay tahan'
Wah liao, they think we small can makan!
But now they 'cow pay cow bu' we all not very scared.
We want to build water desalination plant already so not so bad.
But their own economy now all go bust.
Got to sell water otherwise money no enough.
Then another neighbor say Singapore no friend friend,
Got so much money, a bit more also donno how to lend.
They say we all only one small red dot,
like the center of a big dartboard.
Maybe they think we mouse and they cat,
that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that.
But we all still send them a lot of rice.
Show the world we actually very very nice.
Sometimes we 'cho ho sim' also kena whack.
But we all gentleman wan, don't want to fight back.
I think hor maybe they don't understand us very well.
That's why relationship sometimes like heaven sometimes like hell
Some say aiyah our prosperity is all due to luck,
that's why we all siao siao' can still win the Tiger Cup
I think hor, Singapore is like chilli padi in a pot -
Size small small but still very very hot.
 

Ah Beng was talking to his girlfriend's brother Ah Leng while walking down
orchard road. Seeing a bunch of girls window shopping, he asked Ah Leng, 'Ay,
did you know your sister Ah Lian is like vely the bias one?'
Ah Leng replied, 'Really ah? Bias is it? How is she the bias?' Ah Beng
exclaimed, 'Aiyah, evely time we go Orchard Road she will always say, 'Ay Ah
Beng bias this lar please, bias that lar please.'

There were four Buddhist monks who played instruments and chanted everyday.
One fine morning, a lady in a mini skirt went into the temple to pray. When
the lady knelt down to pray, one of the chanting monks saw the lady tsao k'ng
(i.e. exposing herself accidentally).
The monk was shocked to see that the woman was not wearing any panties! He
felt he had to share this valuable insight with his fellow monks, but also did
not wish to alert the lady.
So he began chanting the message: "Wu lang bo chin nai ko....(Someone's
not wearing panties...)" 
The monk beside him was playing a tambourine, and he thumped this response:
"Ti-to-lok, ti-to-lok (Where? Where?)"
The third monk, playing a horn, replied: "Duuu... Duuu........(There!
There!)"
Finally, the last and the most  righteous monk, sounded his cymbals in
disgust: "Ti ti kua... ti ti kua! (Still peeping! Still peeping!)" 
 

Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular
phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one
operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile,
absolutely no one.
AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile Phone
System. After that they realized that the system is outdated and they put up
another system ETACS which the subscribers were not very happy about because it
was Extremely Tough to Access Call System. Then came the 2nd generation cellular
technologies, which Singtel was working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After
some time, Singtel found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided
it was time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very Poor
Coverage Network and every time subscriber wants to make a call, they Phui Chao
Nua because they can't get thru.
So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some More
Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.
M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience that GSM
is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several delays in the official
launching, M1 knows that this so-called advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway.
 

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a
shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to
kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid
to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are
you?"
"My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old."
"OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?"
"Bull."
"Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies
& gentlemen, please give her a round of applause."
The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the
kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid
to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very
clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked,
announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math
& Art. My hobbies are collecting stamps & stickers."
The audience liked him immediately because of his confidence & had
started to clap for him. His parents, standing right in front of the stage, were
beaming with pride at how smart their son was.
"OK, Johnny, you should know the answer to this question very well.
Close 2 eyes also can answer. Tell me, what is the opposite of cock?"
The young boy paused for a moment, scratched his head, moved closer to the
microphone & finally answered proudly, "Chee Bai!"

3 POWs were caught by the Germans in a war. They were told that they will be
shot at while they ran 100 meters. If they survived after that they would then
be set free. So, the 3, a British, a Japanese & a Singaporean, lined up at
the start. Bang!
They started to ran like they never did before. At the 80 meter mark, the
British was shot down. Before he went down, he patriotically shouted, 'Long live
the Queen' and died.
At 90 meters, the Japanese was shot. Before he went down, he shouted,
'Banzai' and died.
Now the Singaporean was at 93m, 95m, 98m, 99m... ... Bang! He, too, was shot
down.
Before he died, he shouted, 'KAYU LAH!!' One meter also no discount!'

Three old ladies were seating on a bench in a park. They were enjoying the tranquility when a man wearing a trench-coat suddenly
appeared right in front of them.
Standing very close to the three old ladies, he opened his coat an  FLASHED
himself.
The first old lady was so shocked she fainted.
The second old lady also fainted.
And the third old lady? Well, she had a STROKE.
 

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got
spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a
tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and
ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just
glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self conscious and
spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you
ever do anything wild when you were young?!"
Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the
Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you was
my son."

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their
respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not
believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which
promptly dropped dead in two pieces. 
"That's nothing," said Master Koh.
Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly. 
Master Foo was
highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still
flying." 
"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never
have children."

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of
the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist 'HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am
General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ...' and the psychiatrist says 'What makes you
think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man says 'Because God made me
General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ... '
Suddenly, his laughter is interrupted by a voice from the outside...'NO I
DIDN'T!'
After counseling the man and convincing him he is NOT General Yamashita, the
short fat man leaves happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in,
the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "Sir Winston Churchill, this
is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita's plans ...'"
 

On a crowded public SBS bus, an Ah Lian got aboard and refused to budge from the her position near the front door. Her only response to the demands from the bus driver was, "Wah ai go Or-Chard Load!" 
Nothing the bus driver did could make her move to the rear of the bus. 
Finally, a passenger whispered something into the Ah Lian's ear, whereupon she immediately made her way to the back. Surprised, the bus driver asked the passenger how he managed to do it. 
The passenger smiled and said, "I told her that the front of the bus goes to Jurong while the rear will take her to Orchard Road." 

There is an American named Michael Fay
He loves to take our public signs away
Sometimes graffiti on our cars he spray
Until by the police he was caught one fine day
The Chief Justice to Michael he says
" A small fine you shall have to pay "
" Four months in Queenstown Remand you'll stay "
" With six strokes of rotan coming your way "
This decision Clinton try to sway
For vandalism is a game their local boys play
We should find other means to keep crime at bay
Because caning is not an American way
Tried all means Fay's father and mother may
And even the American press got into fray
Desperate, the plea for clemency went President Ong's way
Authorized to pardon, hopefully he may
Finally, in order that Clinton's face shall not go away
Two strokes less of caning to Michael's dismay
George Fay, his father still shout " Nay! nay! nay! "
Once Fay out of prison, back to US they will forever go away
We ain't racist
We ain't sadist
We don't have a caning fetish
We just want some justice!

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe
representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago. It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 2 more chances; The next question is name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no, Rabbit does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you one last chance, if you answer this question incorrectly, you are disqualified. 
Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN !!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really
disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having as many problems
with the letter "L", the decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU
Judge: ?????????!!!!

TAN
TOCK SENG, SINGAPORE -- The National Pimples Center, NPC, is planning to stage
the largest charity show sometime next year to raise funds for the treatment of
severe acnes.
"We
have decided to stage such a charity show to raise fund for our acnes patients
following the success of the other charity shows", said Ms Agnes Pim,
public relation manager of NPC. She was referring to the NKF Local and Foreign
Celebrities Charity Shows, President Star Charity Show and the recent SNHA
Charity Show.
"We
believe this Charity Show of ours will be the best, and will received the
largest amount of donation ever. We have restructured our organization to link
our executives annual bonuses to the amount of donation received. We believe
that this compensation program will enable us to achieve our target of S$1
billion in donation monies.", said Ms Agnes Pim. She also indicated that it
should not be too difficult to raise such a huge amount given the
soft-heartedness of most Singaporean and the marketing capabilities of NPC.
The
NPC has planned to invite Michael Jackson, The Spice Girls, David Copperfield,
Sir Elton John, President Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, the late Elvis Presley
and John Lennon to appear on the show. However, non of these celebrities have
confirmed their participation yet. "I think the main attraction of the show
will be the re-enactment of the intimate moments in the White House by President
Clinton and Ms Lewinsky, if both of them accept our invitation" added Ms
Pim. 
In
addition, the NPC also plan to include a 5% stake in Microsoft Corporation and
3,000 stock options from Johnson & Johnson Corporation in the lucky draw
prizes on top of the usual cash, cars and condominiums.
"NPC
has definitely raised the stake in Charity Show. It is really interesting to see
how will the other charitable organizations react. We may see a charity war
soon.", said Dr. BC Tan, a social scientist at NUS.
Each
year an average of 300,000 Singaporeans suffer from low morale and confidence
because of acnes problem. Of which 30% are severe and require special treatment.
Such treatment can cost up to $100,000 depending on the case. As a result, many
patients, especially the teenagers, are deprived of the treatment. The NPC thus
is urging the public to start saving now and donate generously during the show
next year.

Some things you should be seeing in news reports...

In the Straits Times, it is reported that 'Overseas traffic experts give
the ERP thumbs-up'. They left out the 2nd portion, 'Local drivers give the ERP
the fingers'.
That there is a new Bond movie to be film in Malaysia, about an insane
Prime Minister who is trying to bring down the region's economy. It will be
entitled 'Tomorrow Sure Die'.
30,000 copies of SM Lee's book were sold out in one day. This is amazing.
Overheard are some conversations of those in the queue ... @ 'Excuse me, this
queue for what hah?' 'You don't know line up for what?' 'So many people line up,
sure got free gift right?!' @ 'So this Memoirs of SM Lee Kuan Yew, who wrote one
hah?' @ 'So this book is about Singapore's past in the 50's and 60's? Got color
photos not?' @ 'This queue for 4D, is it?' @ 'Got discount not?'
Some of our neighbors are upset with the memoirs, saying that the book was
insensitive to their country and countrymen. If SM Lee is to write 'The
Singapore Cookbook: My Favorite Recipes'. You should see this in the New Straits
Times the next day: 'We wish to express our disappointment with the insensitive
mention of the Sour Grapes in Sambal Chilli recipe found in The Singapore
Cookbook.'
Anwar is now also blamed for Malaysia's economic crisis. Next week, he will
also be blamed for El Nino, Mad Cow Disease and the giant rats at the new KL
airport. Anyone with bad things to blame someone, please forward email to DrM@gov.my.
Despite being arrested, Anwar could still take a swipe at his arch-enemy, Dr.
M (sounds like some bad guy in old Bond movies), by releasing a videotape to the
media after his arrest, where he says some more bad stuff about his former boss.
Rumor has it that Dr Mahathir may release a videotape containing confessions
from Anwar's former lovers: male, female and some sheep -- in order to hit back.
However, the rumors could not be confirmed because the Internet sources were
arrested.
We should have a slogan for this New Age of Technology, to raise awareness
of E-Commerce. Someone suggested :- 'Cyber shop Till You Cyber-drop!';
Or,'E-Commerce: The Power to Shop without Your Clothes On!'; Or, 'Put on your
Virtual Reality Glasses: Buy Your 4D in 3D'.
On E-Commerce again, maybe you can even use those goggles and go
cyber-movie-watching too. No need to queue for tickets. For the total movie
experience, you can even have virtual cinema patrons sitting in front of you,
blocking your view. And if the virtual Ah Beng behind you talks too loud or eats
his virtual Keropok or his virtual hand phone goes off, you can around and shoot
his virtual ass off with your virtual gun. Best use of technology ever.
That even loan sharks are supporting Government's E-Commerce campaign,
using technology to run their business. Last time they used little note books to
keep their accounts, now they use laptops and digital diaries to keep track of
you. I am told, instead of putting a pig's head on your doorstep and spraying
your Name and IC Number on your walls, what they do now is send you threatening
emails, cc your boss and colleagues, hack your homepage, advertise on classified
ads worldwide and email you a picture of a pig's head.
S$97.5 million plan is underway to 'revitalize' Chinatown, All the hawkers
will be driven out and air-conditioned food courts selling overpriced,
bad-tasting food will be built.
Malaysia's Tourism minister may suggest using the Anwar riots as a tourist
draw, since tourists do not have chance to see something like this every day.
There will be 3 performances every day. One in the morning at KL court, one in
the afternoon at PJ court and the last one comes with a deluxe 10-course dinner.

 

The MP was making his rounds through the Sembawang kampung area. In Ah Chye's
kampung house, the MP noticed a pig with a wooden leg hobbling about. 
"Excuse me," the MP said to ah Chye, "but why does that pig
have a wooden leg?" 
"Oh, it's like this, sir... one night a robber entered our household,
tied all of us up, stole our jewelry and was about to escape when the pig came
out of nowhere, attacked the robber and saved us all." 
"Oh, I see," said the MP uncertainly, "but I still don't
understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?" 
"Oh, it's like this, sir... There was a fire when we were all out to the
cinema at Chong Pang. The pig alerted our neighbors, ran around organizing a
water bucket system and helped the firemen put out the fire." 
The MP was getting quite frustrated. "Listen, Mr Chye, That is all very
interesting, but I still don't understand why the pig has a wooden
leg." 
"Oh, it's like this, sir..." Ah Chye said. "We used to have an
old well. One day, our little daughter fell down the well. The pig jumped in,
saved our girl, covered the well with planks and we never had that trouble
again." 
The MP shouted, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND! Why does that damn pig have a
wooden leg?" 
Ah Chye appeared absolutely unfazed. "Well, you know," he said
finally, "with a pig that good, how can you eat it all at once..."

Singapore's total population may hit four million this
year ('99), boosted in part by an influx of foreigners. With our current
population standing at 3.87 million, we take a look at how crowded the island will be when we hit the four-million
mark.
How many foreigners are there in Singapore?
702,100 (as of 1998)
How many are Americans, British and Australians?
Americans: 10,000 - 12,000
British: 10,000
Australians: 5,000

The three most heavily-populated areas in Singapore
are...
Tampines/Simei,
Hougang/Serangoon/Yio Chu Kang
and Ang Mo Kio
The three most least-populated areas in Singapore
are...
Telok Ayer/Raffles,
Changi/Tanah Merah,
Choa Chu Kang/Sungei Tengah

To ship out 4 million Singaporeans...
...10,076 Boeing 747s would be needed
All 4 million Singaporeans would fit into 2,223 MRT
trains (maximum capacity of an MRT train with six carriages is 1,800)
If all 4 million Singaporeans could be housed in one
standard HDB block...
...it would need to have 250,000 storeys

How do we cope? 
Some ideas: Stretch Housing Board blocks
to 30 stories  and beyond; Turn sleepy Pulau
Ubin into another new town, with undersea tunnels connecting the island to the
mainland; Convert part of military haven Pulau
Tekong
into residential area...

One day, Ah Choy & Ah Seng were walking down the Chinatown when they saw
something in their path. 
"Wait!" cried Ah Choy. 
"Wat is lat ho?" 
"Yah ho! Be carefool lo," warned Ah Seng. 
"Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very
closely. "Eee.. look like shit lah!" say Ah Choy.
"Hmmm..smell like shit also!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep
breathe. 
Ah Choy then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his
lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!" 
Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to
lick. With confident, he said, "Confirm is shit!" 
Then they smiled at each other, "Wah! lucky we didn't step on it."

Dr. Quek made a routine house call to Mr. Lim, one of his elderly patients. 
He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Lim?" Mr. Lim replies,
"I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night
when I get up to pang jio, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when
I open the door!" 
The doctor is worried that the old man is getting senile, so he phones the
man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Lim, I'm
a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to
urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." 
At which point, Mrs. Lim yells, "Ah Seng! Ah Pa is peeing in the
refrigerator again!"
 

The English did invent the English Language, but they cannot use it
effectively when communicating their intentions. Just compare these few common
phrases that S'poreans and Britons use to say the same thing:
When all has been sold out...
Britons: I'm sorry, Sir, but we don't seem to have the sweater you want in your
size, but if you give me a moment, I can call the other outlets for you.
S'poreans: No Stock!
Returning a Call...
Britons: Hello, this is John Travolta. Did anyone page for me a few moments ago?
S'poreans: Hello, who page? or Siang Ka Pager?
When someone is in the way...
Britons: Excuse me, I'd like to get by. Would you please make way?
Singaporeans: Lai, siam! or Siam ji bi! or S'kius!(excuse)
When someone offers to pay...
Britons: Hey, put your wallet away, this drink is on me.
Singaporeans: No need.
When asking for permission...
Britons: Excuse me, but do you think it would be possible for me to enter
through this door?
Singaporeans: (while pointing at door) Can or Not?
When asking to be excused...
Britons: If you would excuse me for a moment, I have to go to the gents/ladies.
Please carry on without me, it would only take a moment.
Singaporeans: Le tan, Wa ke pang jio! (wait while I visit the washroom) or Wah,
buay ta han, ai choot liao! (cannot stand it anymore, have to relief myself)
When entertaining...
Britons: Please make yourself right at home.
Singaporeans: Don't shy, leh!
When doubting someone...
Britons: I don't recall you giving me the money.
Singaporeans: Where got?
When declining an offer...
Britons: I'd prefer no to do that, if you don't mind.
Singaporeans: Dowan, lah. (don't want)
When deciding on a plan of action...
Britons: What do you propose we do now that the movie's sold out and all the
restaurants are closed?
Singaporeans: Then how?
When disagreeing on a topic of discussion...
Britons: Err. Tom, I have to stop you there. I understand where you're coming
from, but I really have to disagree with what you said.
Singaporeans: Le siow, ah? (are you crazy?)
When asking someone to lower their voice...
Britons: Excuse me, but could you please lower your voice, I'm trying to
concentrate over here.
Singaporeans: Mai kao beh, kao bu!
When asking someone if he/she knows you...
Britons: Excuse me, but I noticed you staring at me for some time. Do I know
you?
Singaporeans: Kua si mi? (What are you looking at)
At the sports arena...
Briton: I say old chap, this really isn't cricket. The umpire's really hard on
him today.
S'porean: Leflea (referee) KAYU!
When asking girls...
Briton: Would you go out with me?
S'porean: Ai gia steady mai? (Be my girlfriend)
 

WASHINGTON,
U.S. -- Singapore has been named the world's most globalize fine country
according to a survey released here that measured such factors as cross-border
fine of motorists and tourists and international fine collection.

The survey,
compiled by Foreign Policy magazine and consulting firm O.T. Kidding, placed the
United States 12th on a list of the 20 most global nations, noting the relative
infrequency with which Americans abided by the law.

'Singapore
boasts high levels of trade and heavy capital duties, as well as an annual
stream of international travelers paying fine, nearly three times higher than
the country's population,' Foreign Policy and O.T. Kidding said in a statement.\

"With
international motorists fine that totals 390 per traffic police each day, the
country also far outdistances its nearest rivals in cross-border fine between
people. The number of fine tickets issue to local motorists averaged 5,230 a
day."

In an effort
to increase the number of fine issued, the police has engaged a private
organization to go around the country to fine motorists for parking at the wrong
place.

Some of the
most notable offenses that can be fined includes motorist traveling at 12 k.p.h.,
smoking outside the designated smoking zone by 3 centimeters and insufficient
amount stored in the cash-card while going through an ERP gantry. The total
number of offenses in the country that can be fined, totaled to 12,124, and the
number is still increasing.
Furthermore,
the e-commerce system in placed by the authority to collect fine payment from
travelers is reported to be state-of-the-art. And according to the survey,
Singapore is the only country in the world that has such a system. 
"In fact,
no other B2B or B2C website is able to do what this e-commerce system on
fine-payment can do. This is indeed a very sophisticated system." commented
O.T. Kidding. Bravo Singapore!

Two British men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they each took
gentlemanly turns with the lady.
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island - the two fought and
one killed the other to have the lady.
Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they both had the
lady together.
Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island - they killed the lady
to have each other.
Two Australian men and a lady stranded on a desert island both dug until they
found COLD beer, drunk and passed out before they get to the lady.
Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island the two are still
waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT.
 

A Singapore PR (previously came from Malaysia) named Ah Meng was just arriving
in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Singapore Hell or
to Malaysia Hell. Naturally, An Meng wanted to compare the two, so he wandered
over to Malaysia Hell. There outside the door was Ah Lian, looking bored.
'What's it like in there?' asked Ah Meng.
'Well,' he replied , 'In Malaysia Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil,
chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into
small pieces with sharp knives.'
'That's terrible!' gasped Ah Meng. 'I'm going to check out Singapore Hell!'
He went over to Singapore Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people
waiting to get in. The line circled around the lobby seven times before receding
off into the horizon. Ah Meng pushed his way through to the head of the line,
where he found An Gu busily signing people in. An Meng asked Ah Gu what
Singapore Hell was like.
'In Singapore Hell,' said An Gu impatiently, 'they flay you alive, boil you
in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up
into small pieces with sharp knives.'
'But ... but that's the same as Malaysia Hell!' protested Ah Meng.
'True,' sighed An Gu, 'but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't
have knives...

 
One day, 4 babies were born at
K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
 
However, someone mixed up the
babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
 
However, the head sister had a
bright idea.  She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil
Hitler!"
 
At hearing this, the German
baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. 
In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said,
"Clean that up!"

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one
of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid...
you don't believe?
Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng
over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom
and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right
away!" and rushed off to the showroom.
The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See,
I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you
want to see stupid, I will show you stupid."
and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at
home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran
home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that
I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to
Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me
to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today
is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss
lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone
what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

Following last week's announcement that suicide in Singapore will be
regulated, the government has decided to make suicide a capital offence.
"Suicide is a deadly serious matter of life or death," said
Minister for Suicide Mr. Yeow Teow Loh. "We cannot let citizens decide
important things by their own hands and affect our manpower projections."
The MOS has written a white paper, and will be tabling it for debate in the
next parliamentary session.
The Suicide and Miscellaneous Manpower Offences Bill calls for those
attempting suicide to face a maximum sentence of life imprisonment.
However, repeat offenders will face the death penalty.
"We believe that the strongest possible sentence will deter
offenders," said Mr. Yeow.
The move has been welcomed by EuthanAsians, an Asian right to death pressure
and support group.
"We back the new death policy," said Dr. Mao Mah Tee, president of
EuthanAsians. "And we will do whatever it takes to get the bill passed.
Die-die must become legislation."
Minister Yeow continued, "The Bill is not yet complete. We may not have
jurisdiction over successful suicides. As they have gone beyond, we don't know
if we can catch them. But we are confident. After all, God is on our side."
Meanwhile, local right-to-life activists have vowed to ensure that the Bill
reaches Parliament dead-on-arrival.

Mahathir was so disappointed with his cabinet for being inefficient and corrupt that he decided to call
on Goh Chok Tong and ask him how he managed to have such an efficient and incorruptible cabinet.
On hearing Mahathirs woes, PM Goh said, "Simple,
Mahathir, I choose able men for my cabinet." Mahathir asked, "Yes, but
how do you know that they are able?"
PM Goh replied, "Just ask them simple questions to
test their intelligence, don't need to be too difficult. Let me illustrate to
you." Just then, Tony Tan was walking by, PM Goh called out to him,
"Hey Tony, come over here." Tony obediently walked briskly over.
PM Goh asked, "Tell me, Tony, who is your fathers
son ?" Tony Tan immediately replied, "Me! Of course."
PM Goh turned to Mahathir and said, "See, all my
ministers can answer this question. Why don't you go back and try." Mahathir thank PM Goh and left.
Once he was back, he immediately summoned Anwar, his
deputy, and shot the question at him, "Tell me, Anwar, who is your father's
son ?" Anwar was shocked beyond words and did not know the answer. After a
while, he recovered and said, "Boss, let me find out and I'll tell you
tomorrow." Mahathir, a bit disappointed, agreed, hoping that Anwar will
give a good answer tomorrow.
Meanwhile, Anwar was panicking that his boss was
testing him. He tried desperately to find out the answer from his staff, but
none of them knew the answer. The next morning,
he decided to call Bill Clinton for help. Surely the most powerful person in the
world must know the answer.
When Bill picked up the phone, Anwar said, "Hello,
Bill, can I ask you a question?" Clinton, very busy, replied, "Alright, but it better be good !" Anwar quickly asked, "Tell me,
Bill, who is your father's son ?" Clinton was fuming, "Of course it's
me, you stupid !" and he slammed the phone down.
Satisfied that he's got the answer, he confidently
walked into Mahathir's office and said, "Boss, I've got the answer to your
question." Mahathir, happy that his deputy wasn't that dumb, said, "So
tell me quick, who is your fathers son, Anwar ?"
Anwar confidently replied, "It's BILL CLINTON !"
Mahathir slapped his own forehead in disgust and said, "No you stupid, it's TONY TAN !"

Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady.

Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They both had the lady TOGETHER.

Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER.

Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor.
- The second man swam to another island to search for jobs.

Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night.

Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man.

Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; 
- The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both.

Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island;
- The two men are still waiting for instructions from the GOVERNMENT on how to proceed.

Under One Roof...
Singapore is PAP,
Government wants Money.
Lee Kuan Yew is property,
Lee Hsien Loong is stamp duty,
Mah Bow Tan is COE,
Lim Hng Kiang is HDB
Richard Hu is GST
Tony Tan is ARMY,
Yeo Cheow Tong is JTC,
Tarmugi is 'apa ini?',
Lim Boon Heng talks NTUC,
BG Yeo talks health subsidy
Ong Teng Cheong si cho si mi?
Goh Chok Tong is temporary,
PAP is one happy family,
Join them get high salary.
Fight them and you sure mati!

Char Siew Pao and Mee Kia got involved in an argument.  Char Siew Pao
got very angry and shouted at Mee Kia, "I'm going to find my gang to hantam
you!"
So Char Siew Pao went to round up Leng Yong Pau and Tau Sar Pow.
Just then, Maggi Mee walked around the corner.  Immediately, the Paos
started to beat him up.
As Char Siew Pao was punching Maggi Mee, he shouted, "Don't think just
because you perm your hair, we can't recognize you, okay!"

Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of
intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the
town of London Transport, England. The first Mr. Singh was interviewed by the
officer in charge.
"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental
resources to survive your trip to London", he said, demonstrating his
cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, now - if I poke you
with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen? 
"I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir". 
"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right
eye, what will happen?" 
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see
anything at all." 
"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your
trip." 
Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and described his
experience. "It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice officer
Sahib ask you two questions, and you are answering only "I'll be blinded in
my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir,
and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you are getting the
visa straight away." 
So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Mr. Singh, went into
the interview room. The officer took the same approach: "What would happen
if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?" 
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir". 
"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see
anything at all." 
The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr. Singh, I
find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that cutting off
your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?" 
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself. If
you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my
left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear,
my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my
right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"
Mr. Singh got his visa.

An American tourist was visiting a temple in Singapore when he
noticed two statues, a man and a woman by the altar. 
He asked the monk what was the significance of the two. The
monk explained that in the Chinese system of yin and yang, positives must always
be balanced by negatives, and having the two statues ensures that the universal
balance was maintained. 
"This statue of the woman is the Goddess of Mercy,
Kuan-Yin." 
"What about the other one?" asked the tourist.
"This one is the God of No Mercy, Kuan-Yew." 
 

Chee Soon Juan - Did I say that the chicken
crossed the road? I meant the chicken-rice stall across the road, but left out
some letters because of typo.
SDP vice-chairman - wo ting bu dong ni jiang shen
me. (I don't know what you are saying).
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Worker's Party - The PAP doesn't allow chickens to
cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - The opposition must be loyal to
Singapore.  Don't eat Hainanese chicken rice. Eat Singapore noodles.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say eat Hainanese chicken
rice?  I said CONSUME chicken rice at the stall across the road.
PAP - There is no chicken rice stall across the road.
Worker's Party - That is not true. The PAP just
doesn't want chickens to cross the road.
Chiam See Tong - We must always stay on this side of
the road and remain true Singaporeans.
Ling How Doong - don't talk cock.
Chee Soon Juan - Did I say consume chicken rice
across the road? I said eat chicken rice OPPOSITE the road.
PAP - You said something different just a moment ago.
Ling How Doong - Don't talk cock. We didn't say it.
Chee Soon Juan - I have already repeated this
sentence many times. I said, EAT chicken rice ALONG the road. --- contributed by Chua Kay Chuan
PM Goh:
What does being a chicken mean?  Does it mean that if the chicken does not
get to cross the road it will feel less than part of the coop?  No. 
That must not be so.  We are all chickens here and we must work together as
chickens.  We must want to stay in the coop, not because the coop provides
us shelter, but because we are all chickens.  Understand our chicken history to know that we have come to far from those bad
days when we were just running around like unruly kampung chickens and not being
hot housed as well-disciplined and efficient battery hens.  We have to make
sacrifices, but at the same time we support each other.  So that if we ask
you to give up the idea of crossing the road, you will understand that it is for
the good of the coop.  Only together as a coop can we stay cohesive.
Lim Boon Heng:
As a working chicken you must understand that crossing roads is not for you. It
is meant for the professional chickens.  These chickens are far and few in
between and will require even corn on the other side of the road to cross our roads because they can cross roads anywhere in the world they choose. So for
the greater good of the coop, please understand that crossing roads is not meant
for you.  And while you're at it can you please take a wage freeze?
BG Yeo:
This is because the chicken is sensitive to the multi-racial nature of its
society and although it understands each culture is different, it also realizes
that it must live within society.  So it compromises.  It finds some values -- a little from the Chinese, a little from the Indians, something
from the Malays -- something uniquely Singaporean, and eventually it gathers the
energy, the wider vision, the impetus to cross the road.
SM Lee:
(1996)
This is Asia.  As young chickens, chase the rainbow and cross the roads
here. Opportunities abound. You might get run down by cars in the process of
crossing these roads, especially those in Myanmar, but it doesn't matter. For
ten thousand who get run down one might reach it across -- and at the end of
that rainbow -- there will be your dream.  So it baffles me when they tell
me that they want to cross other roads, elsewhere, because it is here that road
crossing should be done.
BG Lee:
The chicken is a liar, a twister and a prevaricator and not only should he
be run down, but he should also be defeathered, boiled and skinned-alive as
an example for all other chickens to see and that will teach them a lesson in road crossing and typo errors.
--- contributed by Anon
A: Because it was a Singaporean chicken and the PAP
told it to cross.
A: Because it wanted to get to MRT station on the PAP
side of the road.
A: How did you know the chicken REALLY crossed the
road - don't be naive and believe everything you read in the local press.
A: I don't know, I'm doing science, not arts.
A: Why are you asking him? Only MPs who graduate from
Ivy League universities are qualified to comment on the real reason why the chicken crossed
the street.
A: The chicken did not speak English or Mandarin and
was therefore unable to get on the sedan chair and be carried across the street.
A: Free textbooks available across the street?
A: Will it be on the exam?
--- contributed by Edmund Chia
No chicken ever crossed the road. You think the chicken crossed the road because
you see the chicken rice stall opposite the road. The statistics showed that an
average of 93.408 people cross this road daily over the past year, of which
5.325% did not use the pedestrian crossing last month and were duly caught and
fined. 70.874% stopped at the chicken rice stall to take their lunch of which
41.366% packaged it home.
But there are there are no data showing any chicken ever crossed the road. Let's
get real.  How can a chicken ever cross the road?  It will be killed
by the traffic before it made even half the way.  Don't let the SDP mislead
you with false data.
Even though no chicken ever crossed the road, but through the sound policies of
the PAP government over the years, the chicken rice stall continues to enjoy
good growth. And people continue to enjoy good and high quality chicken rice
daily. So if you give the government your full backing, you can be assured of
eating more years of chicken rice even though no chicken ever crossed the road.
--- contributed by Harish Pillay