In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a
young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body
just as they were about to go out on yet another of their
interminable forays after the Holy Grail.
He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he
said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"
King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it
is dangerous out there!"
So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour
to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?"
The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel
all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the
same model in galvanised iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting
chain mail for 60 livres"
Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said
"What can you do for 20 livres?"
The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and
Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you will
find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many
as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into
armour for you"
So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he
could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then
proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around
Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem
was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step.
Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the
way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour
and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger
to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"
SIr Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The
farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or
this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...."
Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres?
That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow"
The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this
magnificent(?) Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed
since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will
that do?"
Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and
galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went,
with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank.
He reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone
that way" (Pointing to the East)
So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging
his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that point it started to
rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir
Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was
so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really) started to flood
and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a
clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.
Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had
stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper
"Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?"
And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these
round-tablers"
In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can
shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said....
.
"You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
