Top 30 Ways to Simulate Being in the Navy when You're at Home
1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of
communication should be with letters that your neighbours
have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of
five.
2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really
know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks
going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses
sugar on cereal.
3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off
from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a
Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to
keep you abreast of current events.
4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital
information (i.e.: plugged in, lights come on when doors
open, etc)
5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the
smell of 40 people using the same commode.
6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares,
clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20
minutes.
8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until
you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a
demented sheep.
9. Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a
time, to ensure that your body does not know or even
care if it is day or night.
10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks,
then play music that causes acute nausea until you are
glad to get back to your favourite CD.
11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of
your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up
(about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a
platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small
dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your
bunkmate's socks.
12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the
first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the
watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up.
Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are
tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a
custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms,
police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave
rock band.
13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your
garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you
can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and
eat everything in three minutes.
15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit
breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and
then restore power.
16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to
simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.
17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat.
Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no
longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every
fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances.
Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back
together.
19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint
everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two
rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the
time.
21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two
days to simulate collision injuries sustained on board
Navy ships.
22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six
days, or until it is hard and stale.
23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go
directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes.
Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most
expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you
can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest
possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you
double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a
thin blanket for warmth.
26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device
that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a
fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature
alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 deg C.
27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a
time.
28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether
it needs it or not.
29. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest
reader you know read the morning paper out loud. Be sure
to have him skip over anything pertinent.
30. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's
radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost
from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red
tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while
you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to
the results of these checks, have him tell you to
repeat the checks because he did not see you perform
them.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
