One Liners If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.

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If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Put on your seatbelt...I wanna try something.

The Universe is a figment of its own imagination.

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted.

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb into a tree and act like a nut.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!

Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was too chicken.

What do you call a person with leprosy in a bath tub? Stew.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods one day?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

How do you describe the average cannibal? A guy with a wife and ate children.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? Lots of Room

What does Mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes

Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Why did the bee cross his legs? Because he couldn't find the BP station.

A pork pie walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in
here.

What do you get when you put a canary in a blender? Shredded tweet

What's clear and smells like carrots? A Rabbit fart.

What do you call a missing parrot? A polygon.

Where does a one armed man shop? At a second hand store!

What Happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his butt.

What do you call a sleeping cow? A bulldozer.

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms!

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn? She had mittens!

Why can't skeletons play music in church? They have no organs!

What's the ultimate doom for a leper? An epileptic fit.

What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

What bird can lift the most weight? The Crane.

Why was the man arrested for waiting in the Big Top? He was loitering within
tent.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Because he saw his phone bill.

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.


There's no future in time travel.

Tonight's weather: Dark with continued darkness until dawn.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

DCE seeks DTE for mutual exchange of data.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Death is hereditary.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

Dyslexics of the world, untie!

If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer!

Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Please return Stewardess to original upright position.

Fish 'n Shits - the NEW tuna flavored laxative from Metamucil

Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.

Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

A good pun is its own reword.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

MicroSloth: "Bringing you ten-year-old technology, tomorrow, maybe."

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?" Simon: "No Mis"

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand

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