Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is
wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong
part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue
with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is
perfect.
Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually
pale and clear.
Fault : Glass is empty.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom : Room is spinning.
Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.
Symptom : Feet cold and wet.
Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom : Feet warm and wet
Fault : Loss of self-control.
Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to
its
owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom : Lap cool and wet.
Fault : Drooling on yourself.
Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
Symptom : Bar blurred.
Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom :Bar moving.
Fault : You are being carried out.
Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.
Fault : You're at a circus.
Solution : Go to a bar.
Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a
fluorescent strip across it.
Fault : You have fallen over backwards.
Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your
drinking arm,
stay put.
If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the
bar.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth
and
dog-ends.
Fault : You have fallen over forwards.
Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom : Everything has gone dim.
Fault : The pub is closing.
Solution : PANIC!!
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
BE A KID AGAIN....
Give yourself a gold star for everything you do today.
Dot all your "i"'s with smiley faces
Sing into your hairbrush
Grow a milk mustache
Smile back at the man in the moon
Read the funnies Throw the rest of the paper away
Dunk your cookies
Ask somebody if their refrigerator is running
Play a game where you make up the rules as you go along
Order with eyes that are bigger than your stomach
Open a pack of cupcakes and give one to a friend even
though you wanted both of them for yourself
Pretend your bread rolls are tap dancing
Step carefully over sidewalk cracks
Change into some play clothes
Try to get someone to trade you a better sandwich
Have a staring contest with your cat
Eat ice cream for breakfast
Kiss a frog just in case
Give someone a "Hug-around-the-neck"
Blow the wrapper off a straw
Refuse to eat crusts
Make a face the next time somebody tells you "no"
Watch TV in your pajamas
Ask "Why?...