Airplane Humor
Here are some actual humorous statements by several airline flights crews.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:
** "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat
backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."
** "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane..."
** "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
** "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of
the airplane."
** "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in
the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
** Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
** And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
** As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft
is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during
taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft
comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they
leave the aircraft.
** Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to
auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."
** As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
** "Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."
** "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
** "Last one off the plane must clean it."
** And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight!
** This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very
hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've
experienced. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight
attendants fault.....it was the asphalt!"
** An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a
smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The
little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
** Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
** Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
