US Army Official Voice Mail Message
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of our
units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a
message with your country, name of organization, the region, the specific
crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out
the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the
streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory 'Consideration Of Others'
training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please listen
to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United States
Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels, and
can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs, please
press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this service is not
available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be
given to customers requiring satellite or stealth technology who can provide
additional research and development funding.
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of grey
flannel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band, please write, well
in advance, to the United States Navy. Please note that Tomahawk missile
service is extremely limited and will be provided on a first-come,
first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid Deployment
Force.
If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and your call will be routed
to the United States Army Special Operations Command. Please note that a
compulsory credit check will be required to ensure you can afford the
inherent TDB costs. Also be aware that USASI may bill your account at any
time and is not required to tell you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at, paid
little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned
hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your *** off daily,
risking your life, in all weathers and terrains, both day and night, whilst
watching Congress erode your original benefits package, then please stay on
the line. Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter, passed-over Army
Recruiter in an old strip mall down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day and thank you again for trying to contact the United
States Army.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
