Memos On The Company's Christmas Party
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit
Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing
traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
===================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are
celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
=====================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
====================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate
how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything
for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged
for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss
anything?
====================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a
tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of
sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
=====================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up
like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan,"
there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a
tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the
Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten
up?
=====================================================
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic
tomatoes...but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now!
======================================================
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from
her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at
the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas
