Diary of a Snow Shoveler:
December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more
lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever
had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along
and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the
end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's
possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but
I warmed up by shoveling the driveway And sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get
back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rearend on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like you cant believe. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.
Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when
she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last
night. More shoveling. Took all day. That dumb snowplow came by twice. Tried
to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing
hockey. I think they're lying.
December 21: Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a
snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of
the white crud fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till
August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and
then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow
on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I'm sure
he is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a gun who
drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his ears. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her
and open our presents, but I was busy watching for that snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the misserable slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm
going to scream!
December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE B***CH is driving
me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I
am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million
dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches of snow
predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
