The Straight Dope On Food, Health, & Exercise:
** Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
** Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You
must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And
what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a
pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.
** Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? A: Look, it goes to the earlier point
about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in
the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know
that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of
elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and
a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
** Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body,
and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies,
your ratio is two to one, etc.
** Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the
benchpress. What did he mean? A: "Spotting"for someone means you stand over
him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health
clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going
in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.
** Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain -
Good.
** Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of
individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress
yourself to death in record time.
** Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening. Foods are
fried these days in vegetable oil. Infact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
** Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? A: Thicker gravy.
** Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
