There was an old married couple that had happily lived together
for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by
the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The
noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to
water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would
plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the
couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be
done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a
natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to
wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing
natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his
guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued
to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas
morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and, of course, a
turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to
the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish
grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked
upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still
soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back
downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she
heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon
followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as
her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself
and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After
years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty
minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants
with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and
she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of
these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these
two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
