Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a
famous movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do pushups
and somersaults and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing.
One day, one of them became curious enough to ask Stanley why he
exercised all day.
Stanley said,"Look, pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when
the right time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, they all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter,
and they knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were
released abruptly and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead
of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back
with all his migh. "Go back! Go Back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the
time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call
the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the
house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the
husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on
the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"
"Listen, sugar" she whispered back, there ain't nothing in the whole
wide world could wake him up now."
"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you
and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"
"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out
of his asshole and see if that wakes him."
Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he
finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she
tapped him on the shouldeer nad beckoned him over again. Again he pulled
a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight
times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first
pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hiar, the husband awoke and muttered:
"Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for
Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"
I heard that they were going to move Texas A&M to Canada.......
They say that it will raise the average IQ of both countries.
Square sun, square moon, square screen.
!elyauQ naD yb dekcatta neeb ev`I !pleH !pleH
During the long boring cycle of life, you only have 2 things to
worry about. You have to worry about being well, or being sick.
If you are well, you have nothing to worry about. If you are
sick, you have 2 things to worry about: If you are going to
get better, or if you are going to get worse. If you are
going to get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you
are going to get worse, you only have 2 things to worry about:
If you are going to live of if you're going to die. If you are
going to live, you have nothing to worry about. If you are going
to die, you only have 2 things to worry about: If you are
going to go to Heaven, or if you are going to go to Hell. If you
are going to go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you are going to go to Hell, you will probably be so busy
shaking hands with friends that you will have nothing to worry
about.
What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
Roman barber?
One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman!
What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Za Za Gabor?
One's a Busy Ditch and the others a ......
"Mommy, mommy, I hate Jimmy's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate..."
"Mommy, mommy, I don't WANT to go to Europe!"
"Shut up and keep swimming..."
Little Eddie was bent over his desk when the teacher came up and
asked him, "Eddie, what are you doing?"
Eddie said, "I'm drawing a picture of God."
"But Eddie," the teacher said, "nobody knows what God looks like."
"They will when I get finished!"
Dolly Parton and Princess Di died, and both of them arrived at
the Pearly Gates simultaneously.
St. Peter told them, "Our computer is down right now, so we can
only take one person right now. You must show me which one of
you is best qualified to enter Heaven".
Dolly opened her blouse and said "How about *THESE*!?!"
"Oh, WOW!", said St. Peter, "that's really impressive". "Can you
compete with this?", he asked Lady Di.
Lady Di lifted up her skirt, squatted, and douched!
"OK, welcome to Heaven Lady Di!", said St. Peter.
Dolly was taken back aghast, "But what about *THESE*???", she
said.
St. Peter replied "Everyone knows a royal flush beats a pair."
Evangelists do more than lay people.
I married a nun; nun in the morning; nun at night...
Why did the chicken cross the road??
Too long to go around.....
What's red and white and scratches on the window?
Baby in the microwave.
Hear the one about two teanagers, about to make love in the back
seat of a car? The girl says "Will you respect me in the morning? Do you
Love me?" He answered " I'd like to tell you that you are the most
wonderful girl in the whole world, that I will respect you forever and
that I love you more than 10,000 sockeye salmon. I'd like to tell you
that... but..."
How Do You Spell Relief ?
F-A-R-T
How do you fit 10 dead babies in a shoe box?
La Machine!
How do you get them out?
With a straw!
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
"Mommy, mommy, I hate running around in the same circles!"
"Shut up, or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor!"
What's the key to survival in the Greek army?
Never leave your buddies' behind....
Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
Because he heard the Colonel does chicken Right!
Or why did the Chicken Cross the road?
To get away from the ethopian!
Honk if you're Horns Busted!
Great Beer Bellies are made not Born!
How do Aggies have Sex?
They Exchange underwear!
In Greece how do they seperate the Men from the Boy's?
With a Crowbar!
What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
Who do you put a baby in the blender feet first?
So you can watch it's expression.
do shovel(snow) while (driveway_not_clear);
*********************** BLACK *****************************
When I was born.............I was black.
When I grow up..............I'm black.
When I'm ill................I'm black.
When I go out in the sun....I'm black.
When I'm cold...............I'm black.
When I die..................I'm black.
But you -
When you're born.................You're pink,
When you grow up.................You're white.
When you're ill..................You're green.
When you go out in the sun.......You go red.
When you're cold.................You go blue.
When you die.....................You're purple.
