Here it is folks, the oneliner file. Over the past year, I have
received several short submissions that were mildly funny, but
not quite good enough or topical enough to merit their own posting.
I have collected them all for you, and it's time to flush the
buffer. These vary in quality quite a bit, and are not rated.
Please don't take this as an invitation to send me your own
favourite one liners. There are thousands of these things in
the world, and I don't have time to sift through them except on
an infrequent basis. Remember, one joke per submission.
My advice is to read this file slowly if you can, one joke at a
time. Oneliner jokes are often ruined if read together in
a bunch.
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the
convenient toll-free _IRS_Taxpayer_Complaint_Hot_Line_ number,
1-800-AUDITME.
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1. A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the
devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies"..
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Heard on National Public Radio:
I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway.
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In pioneer Utah, Morman girls tended to marry Young.
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A feature is a bug with seniority.
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"How can you waste beer like that!! Don't you realize there are sober
chilren in Africa!!"
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Seen in an article in the Wall Street Journal --
"Mommy, do all fairy tales beginning with `Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear. Nowadays, lots of them start with `If I am elected...'."
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Here are more of the ever-popular daffynitions. I have never seen this
particular group before, but I won't swear that they haven't been around.
I don't know the original source; this was mailed to me by a friend.
Apple - Typically a device to seduce men, usually equipped with a
display screen
File - What your secretary does to her nails when the computer is doing
all of the work
Loop - a method of execution no longer in vogue, except in Iran.
MegaHertz - a VERY large car rental company
Real Time - Here and Now, as opposed to Fake time which occurs there and then
Bankers' Hours: That part of the day when it is too hot to play golf.
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Have you met the "bud light" couple?
She tastes great, and he's less filling!
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Who was the first computer expert ever?
Eve, because she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
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[This article is reprinted from Pedantic Monthly with permission of the editor.
The following laws are assembled from a variety of sources too numerous to
cite. We thought we should say that lest you think we made
them up, assembled them for the first time, or something like that...]
o Faber's Law: If there isn't a law, there will be.
o Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself(or doesn't know any better).
o Ross' Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in
advance.
o Secretary's rule of meetings: The time taken up by a meeting will
always be at least 5 times the time needed by the secretary to do
the job.
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Milton Berle, at his 80th birthday party:
"I feel like a 20-year old! Unfortunately, there aren't any here."
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Kinky is when you use a feather;
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
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What do you call poisoned coffee? - - - Grounds for divorce.
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A singles bar is the gadget that keeps the
one-dollar bills from flying out of a cash register drawer.
(I made this one up)
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(from a friend, Gonzo Tog (Tells you something))
Guys talking in a bar:
....what's that you say? You've got 5 penises? Don't you have a problem with
underwear?
Na. Fits like a glove.
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did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
yeah, he thought it was diet coke.
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(Overheard between a UNIX(R) system novice and guru:)
"What causes a bus error?"
"Well, it can happen when the driver has a heart attack."
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This was heard floating around the late-night parties at the Theatre Ontario
Summer courses last week. Don't know the original source.
Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"
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Overheard by a person with a cold:
"I have more phlegm in my throat than a Belgian prostitute.
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(from Artie Partyfinger - another CA origineted joke)
Do you know why there were only 600 Mexicans at the Battle of the
Alamo?
There were only 2 cars!
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John Paul 2 is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing his lips
to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark:
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women!"
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How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
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Good things come to those who gain weight
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"I'm not saying Reagan is senile, but
they now let him pre-board Air Force One."
-- Dennis Miller
Q. What's the difference between Noah's Ark and Joan of Arc?
A. Noah's Ark was made of wood; Joan of Arc was Maid of Orleans.
-- anon.
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Did you hear about the new bird dog bra?
It turns setters into pointers.
Heard on an ancient Tonight Show - by somebody like Phyllis Diller.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
