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• They say I married my wife because her uncle left her a whole lot of money.
  That's not true. I would've married her no matter who left her the money....
• My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary.
  -- Drake Sathe...
• My wife doesn't give me any trouble anymore. She died.
  I had her cremated. I mixed in a little marijuana and smoked her....
• I can't use Windows 3.0: My wife killed my mouse.
• Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried.
  His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life....
• My wife's on a diet. She used to be so fat every time she got into a taxi the driver rushed her to the hospital.
  She went to the health club and one week she lost fifteen pounds....
• My wife divorced me because I was having fries on the side.
• This morning I caught my wife in a lie ... I'm sitting there in the kitchen, having some coffee, biscuits, some jelly.
  About eleven-thirty my old lady came in, and her wig was amuss....
• My wife loves ME, It's the computer she hates!