If it's so safe to fly, why do they give you an hour of instructions when
you get on the plane? Have safety instructions where you know it's
dangerous to travel--like the New York City subway system. Have the
conductor come out and say, "Ay! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this
is your conductor Angelo speakin'. Welcome to the D train. If the train
should go above ground through the Bronx, bulletproof vests can be located
under your seat. If the vest don't inflate, duck. All weapons may be stored
in the overhead compartments. And, please, no stabbing until the train has
come to a complete stop in the terminal. You'll notice the conductor has
turned off the "No Urinating' sign. Just feel free to soil yourself. And
now please return the homeless person to his original upright position.
Should an unbathed bag lady walk on the train, a small mask will drop from
the ceiling. Put it over your nose and mouth and breathe like your life
depended on it."
-- Gabe Abelson
