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• A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket.
  How old's your kid?" the conductor says, and the father says "He's four years old....
• I had a brand-new Mercury. I loaned it to my brother last week.
  I said, "Treat it as if it was your own." He sold it. -- Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)...
• I went up to the salesgirl. I said, "I'd like to see something cheap in a man's suit.
  She said, "The mirror's on the left." -- Jimmy Edmondson (Professor Backwards)...
• I went into the grocery store today. I said, "Give me a dollar's worth of potatoes.
  He said, "We don't slice 'em." I said, "Give me fifty cents' worth of Swiss cheese....
• I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning.
  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me...
• A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?
  The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop....
• The highway cop said, "Walk a straight line." I said
  Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves....
• I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.
  One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing....
• Passenger: "When the train stops will you please tell me at which end to get off?
  Conductor: "It doesn't matter, lady, both ends stop....