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• If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat.
  Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection?...
• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.
  So sue me." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!
  Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life....
• I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver.
  And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to him....
• Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop.
  She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard....
• If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise.
  She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder....
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your ac
  I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much....