Related:

• If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did....
• In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait.
  Not me, you. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit.
  Man, I hate land like that. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep
  and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you....