Related:

• Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! -- Andy Andrew
• My father used to tell me, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, Abraham Lincoln had a job.
  When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked twelve miles to get to school....
• One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and decides to do something about it.
  He calls up his best friend, who is a mathematical genius....
• My crazy friend has a large vocabulary...he got married.
• Troy: Gettin hungry Jimmy? Jimmy: Uhh, Mr. McClure?
  I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat....
• The price of Christmas toys is outrageous--a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters.
  I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid....
• Lisa: Everyone in Springfield had a reason to shoot Mr.
  Burns, even us. [everyone groans in agreement] Bart, he broke your dog's legs....
• Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
  [they open the door] Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son!...
• I take my pet Lion to church every Sunday. He has to eat!