Related:

• I got a friend who is not very kind to pets. He has a pet--he rubs its face in it, hits it with a belt--and that could kill a parakeet!
  -- Andy Andrew...
• Coming up next: An elephant who never forgets... to brush!
  -- Kent Brockman hosts `Eye on Springfield', "Flaming Moe'...
• I have been asked to put something in here that touches us all.
  While my intentions may be the very best, it is quite unfortunate that I know next to nothing about toilet paper....
• I like doing things to help people. People don't wear their seat belts anymore.
  I figure, I'll make fuzzy clothes and make seats out of Velcro. -- Andy Andrew...
• Who invented dehydrated water?
• Happiness, it is said, is seldom found by those who seek it, and never by those who seek it for themselves.
  -- F. Emerson Andrew...
• Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
• My father used to tell me, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, Abraham Lincoln had a job.
  When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked twelve miles to get to school....
• Why can't you remember to put the toilet seat BACK DOWN?