Related:

• My hotel room is so small that when I die they won't have to put me in a casket.
  They'll just put handles on the room. -- Herb Shrine...
• Burns: Stay back Homer, approach no further, coffee's already made.
  I stomped the beans myself. Homer: Uh, well, can I at least drive you home, Mr....
• Burns: Simpson, I have a confession. I'm not quite the tunnel-digger I made myself out to be.
  Homer: You can supervise me. Burns: All right, good!...
• I eventually found out what my ranch-foreman husband really meant," sobbed the fairly recent bride, "when we told me that he'd love me till the cows came home".
• If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I?
  If not now, when? -- Rabbi Hillel...
• Anybody abuse rental cars? If I'm really bored I'll take one to Earl Scheib and have it painted for $
  29.95. This really messes up their paperwork for months and months....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• Well, my daddy left home when I was three, And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze.
  Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, But the meanest thing that he ever did, Was before he left he went and named me Sue....
• It took so long but I found out, what it means to be down and out.