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• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"?
  I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife....
• I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
  Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table....
• I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the morning.
  A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for the train to come in, he said to me...
• I don't get no respect. No respect at all. Every time I get into an elevator the operator says the same thing
  Basement?" No respect. When I was a kid we played hide-and-seek....
• My sex life is very bad. If it wasn't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• Africa is God's country, and he can have it. Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 2.
  After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat, we finally arrived on the shores of Africa....