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• My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias.
  Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back....
• I went to the doctor last week. He told me to take all my clothes off.
  Then he said, "You'll have to diet." I said, "What color?" -- Ken Dodd...
• When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends.
  I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought....
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• As I said last week, I'll be done tomorrow.
• Last week I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age.
  She locked me in the cellar ... My wife's an earth sign....
• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking pot I didn't know what I was doing.
  I smoked half the joint, got the munchies, and ate the other half....
• I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, "What'll you have, Bud"?
  I said," I don't know, surprise me". So he showed me a nude picture of my wife....