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• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
  When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• You may already be a loser. -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
  One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• Bill Clinton: The Rodney Dangerfield of presidents.
• Its a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
• I was five years old before I realized there was no such thing as ALPO baby food.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....
• Marge: [calling out] Bart, what's taking so long? If you're having that problem with your zipper, I can send your father up.
  Homer: Oh, no I'm not. [Bart runs downstairs] Marge...
• The extreme monotony of your life will cause you to hallucinate.