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• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney Dangerfield
• I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
  -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own.
  One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• She was ugly! She was known as a two-bagger. That's a girl who's so ugly, when you go out with her you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
  She was so ugly, you look in the dictionary under "ugly" and you see her picture....
• A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.
  -- Emo Phillip...
• I broke up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies.
  He told me from now on I had to pay in advance. -- Rodney Dangerfield...
• Bill Clinton: The Rodney Dangerfield of presidents.