Related:

• AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) with an audible memory.
  The speech of one who utters with his tongue what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishing the feat of a parrot....
• DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...
• Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary...