Related:

• Ludlow Bean was arrested the other day for stealing a woman's change purse.
  He told the judge that he hadn't been feeling well, and he thought the change would do him good....
• It's so cold ... Father can't milk the cows by hand because he has to wear his wool mittens.
  This tickles the cows. They get hysterical and nothing comes out but cottage cheese....
• Elsie's awfully good to her mother--she never goes home. -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)
• Father was coming up the stairs with five gallons of elderberry wine, and he slipped and fell clear down into the basement.
  Fortunately, he didn't spill a drop--he kept his mouth closed....
• Wallace Swine now has an orchestra in his restaurant, but the music is so bad that last night a waiter dropped a tray of dishes and everybody got up and started to dance.
  -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)...
• Elsie is so ugly she's been turned down more times than a bedspread .
  .. Two weeks ago she won first prize in a beauty contest....
• Bananas are a waste of time. After you skin them and throw the bone away, there's nothing left to eat.
  -- Charley Weaver (Cliff Arquette)...
• Your father just kissed a bride and got himself a black eye.
  I know everyone does it, but not seven years after the wedding....
• Sylvia's skin was exquisite, soft and pretty; Leonard loved the way it looked tacked up on his wall.
  -- Cynthia Conye...