Related:

• Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
  One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent man all my life....
• Grandma: [voice over] We'd met the enemy and it was Montgomery Burns.
  Drastic action _had_ to be taken to stop his war machine!...
• Who has been fooling around with my computer?
• No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
  --Ed Howe...
• There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born, And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn.
• As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad.
• How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
  "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question....
• The most egotistical person we've ever heard of is the one who remarked that he had only been wrong once in his life and that was when he thought he was wrong but wasn't.
• If he had been born God, it was the clowns who would occupy the lowest rungs of hell.