Related:

• I lay at my bed last night, counting the stars, and I thought to myself
  Where the fuck did my ceiling go?!...
• In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and where you would die, would you want to?
  I said "no". She said, "ok, then forget it". -- Steven Wrigh...
• Lisa: Isn't it nice up here? What are you thinking, Nelson?
  Nelson: Am I thinking about what? Lisa: About anything....
• Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck? -- Pick up line
• To err is human, to really f*ck up requires the root password.
• MOM, CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATTRESS? No, Calvin.
  CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No, Calvin....
• I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
• The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys.
  I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while....
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
  I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad....