Related:

• Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before.
  But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter....
• Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship?
  It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it....
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....
• I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy.
  I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me....
• If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it.
  So sue me." -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them....
• Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop.
  She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard....
• Instead of a Seeing Eye dog, what about a gun? It's cheaper than a dog, plus if you walk around shooting all the time people are going to get out of the way.
  Cars, too! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• You can't tell me that cowboyx, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
  It's their way of letting off stress. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...