Related:

• IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins.
  They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!...
• I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.
  Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman....
• The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
  I remember we'd all pile into the car---I forget what kind it was---and drive and drive....
• I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
  That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him....
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head.
  Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them....
• Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees.
  When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee....
• To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?...
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman.
  After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us....