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• Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
  But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me....
• Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
  -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
  I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad....
• Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies?
  One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars....
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group.
  Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey...
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.
  NOW who's asking the questions? -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world.
  What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair....