Related:

• During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo.
  He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy....
• Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
  He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face....
• UH-OH!! I think KEN is OVER-DUE on his R.V. PAYMENTS and HE'S having a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN too!
  ! Ha ha. -- Zippy the Pinhead...
• Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the dog] is good for almost every kind of game.
  He went duck hunting one time and did real well at it....
• Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
  No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse....
• Every man is the architect of his own life. He builds it just the way he wants it.
  However, after he has built what he wants, he sometimes decides that he doesn't like what he has built and looks for someone or something to blame instead of changing himself....
• My friend complained to the city about the scales they put out on the side walks.
  He doesn't mind that the thing takes a dime and says he only weighs thirty pounds, but he would appreciate it greatly if they would fix those things so he could get his fortune card and be on his way....
• He that will not command his thoughts will soon lose the command of his actions.
• Clearly General Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan attempt to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.
  .. -- Edmund : Captain Cook...