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• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
  Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke....
• One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.
  Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke....
• I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.
  Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys.
  But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it....
• I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best.
  We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us....
• IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying.
  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did....
• Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
  He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face....
• I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.
  -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988....
• I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.