Related:

• Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.
  I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex....
• Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
  "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose....
• One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
• Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
  No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have been worse....
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• Old Ladies Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette.
  It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke....
• A hillbilly boy married a hillbilly girl and went on a honeymoon.
  They were supposed to stay two weeks, but they didn't stay two weeks, they stayed one night....
• One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building.
  .. I turned it... and the whole building started up....
• That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
  "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley....