Related:

• Mama told me there'd be years like these.
• Barney: Aw, Moe, we were saved by a sissy. Moe: Yeah, yeah, we'll never live it down.
  Oh, boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me....
• My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers.
  He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was....
• Some years ago a friend of mine was taking a magnetic computer tape through customs in Egypt.
  The customs staff on discovering the tape started to unreel it onto the floor....
• I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questio
  I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?...
• We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world..
  . [I showed him this program and he asked,] 'but Rob, what if time runs backward?'...
• I got a ticket the other day...I pleaded insanity. The judge asked me why, and I asked him, 'would any sane person park in the passing lane?
  ' I asked, 'Judge, nice day, isn't it?' He said yes....
• Mother told me (yes, she told me) I'd meet girls like you.
  She also told me "Stay away. You never know what you'll catch....
• I told him that I wouldn't even consider it unless they guaranteed me that I'd have no primary opposition and unless they would raise money for me.
  -- Dan Quayle, remembering being asked to run for Congre...