Related:

• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• Homer: Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy, but does he know _all_ the words to the Oscar Mayer song?
  Jay: [walking past, singing] Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, [Bart and Lisa join in] That is what I'd truly like to be....
• I'm sitting in a bar, having a drink. Over here is a man having a drink.
  He falls down three times. I pick him up each time....
• Lisa: Stop! Don't shoot my Dad. He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
  [they open the door] Burns: [being strangled and shaken] Ho-mer Simp-son!...
• If there was two birds sitting on a fence, he would bet you which one would fly first.
  -- Mark Twain (1835-1910), The Celebrated Jumping Frog...
• Aunt Patty: "Nothing dear, I'm just trashing your father.
  Lisa: "Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have therefore he is my model of manhood and my estimation of him will govern my prospects of my adult relationships....
• Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty.
  I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?...
• Lisa: What, Aunt Patty? Patty: Oh, nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father.
  Lisa: Well, I wish you wouldn't because, aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have....
• My friend Lance would call me up. He goes, "Bob ...
  he first guy that gets your daughter--wouldn't that freak you out?...