Related:

• I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me.
  .. I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?...
• I was hitting some horrible shots one time. It wasn't unusual for me.
  I turned to the old guy who was caddying for me, and I said, "I suppose you've seen worse golfers in your time....
• Three fellas up in heaven. St. Peter's interviewing them.
  He says to the first guy, "How did you get up here in heaven?...
• Homer: Welcome to the Simpson residence or "casa de Simpson," as I call it.
  Grimes: Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Simpson?...
• I hate discount stores. They're all deceptive. The way they advertise is misleading.
  I spotted a sign, three o'clock in the morning. This is what the sign said...
• I remember the first time I picked up my girlfriend at her parents' place.
  Her father said to me, "Make sure you have my daughter home by midnight....
• Last year I entered the LA marathon. I finished last.
  It was embarrassing. And the guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me....
• There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well.
  The king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land....
• In the Plaza Hotel once, when I was doing the quiz show, there was a priest in the elevator.
  I hope you're not offended by this--I'd tell a story about a rabbi but it doesn't fit, and neither did the rabbi and they finally threw him out of the synagogue....