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• Patty: OK, Sherman, you're a movie expert. Selma: So tell u
  who's gay? Jay: Oh, I don't know...Harvey Fierstein....
• Marge: Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer.
  Jay: Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane....
• Jacques: First, you must get to know your lane. Feel the slickness, feel the slippery finish.
  Caresses it, experience it. Quite smooth, isn't it?...
• Homer: Look, I know I'm not witty like that critic guy, but does he know _all_ the words to the Oscar Mayer song?
  Jay: [walking past, singing] Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer weiner, [Bart and Lisa join in] That is what I'd truly like to be....
• Marge: [writing] "Dear Mr. Sherman, on behalf of the people of Springfield I would like to invite you to judge our film festival.
  [cut to Jay reading the letter in New York] You can stay with us, and enjoy the sights and sounds of the country....
• Lisa: Goodbye, Mr. Sherman. If I ever play Carnegie Hall, I'll give you a call.
  Jay: And if you ever want to visit _my_ show -- Ba...
• Bart: [sleepy] Hello? Bruno: Right! I'm calling all the way from Squatter's Crog, Australia and I want to speak to, er, Dr.
  Bart Simpson right now. Bart: Uh...[plugs nose] hold, please....
• Marge: Homer, the guest should get the last pork chop.
  Homer: But I'm still hungry! [under the table, Jay's and Homer's stomach growl at each other like dogs] [Homer's frightens Jay's into whimpering] Jay...
• Jay: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman, thank you.
  Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9"....