If you did an error-free installation of Windows 95.
When your modem starts smoking.
If no one can reach you by phone since your computer is always online.
If you log-off your system because it's time to go to work.
If you call in sick because you found a great new WWW site.
If you can type your top 10 favorite Web URLs, by heart.
If you can locate a particular home page without using a search engine.
If you can write your own html page.
If you can access more than 50 erotic no-pay sites.
If you download more than 20Mb of from a binary newsgroup, in one
session.
If while reading a magazine, you look for the Zoom icon for a better look
at a photograph.
You comment, while watching a sunset, that the image would be
enhanced with 10% more magenta and a higher resolution.
If while driving down the street, you are confused by the numbers on
the houses - they do not appear to be legitimate URLs.
When someone tells you to remember something, and you look for
File/Save command.
When you discover there is no little car icon with a forward arrow on
the dashboard of your car, to make it go.
When you think the File/Kill command should apply to your system
administrator.
When you find it easier to dial-up the National Weather Service
Weather/your_town/now.html than to simply look out the window.
When you start using phrases like:
Hungry.must-eat.food.now@home
If you have a heart attack when you forgot to pay your phone bill and
receive a "pending disconnection of service" notice.
When you order most of what you buy... online.
If your fingers quit moving because you've been online for 36 hours.
When you find yourself engaged to someone you've never actually
met; except through e-mail.
When you log-off from a session in your favorite newsgroup... and
your log reads: Online time: 56 hours 24 minutes.
If your net provider suggests you try a competitor, because you're
exceeding 300 hours a month, connect time.
When you add your third modem and dedicated phone line.
You access Microsoft's Web page every Sunday morning for Brother
Bill's sermon.
When your 112Gb hard drive is full.
If 233 Mhz is simply too slow.
When your desk collapses under the weight of your computer
peripherals.
If you have an "online" light installed on your car to tell you when the
engine is running.
When you discover that in order to drive your car somewhere, you do
not enter an http:// or ftp:// address.
If you can actually talk to the computers in your new car - and
understand what they say.
When you modify the programming of your car's computers and
actually get better mileage.
When you can access the Net - via your portable and cellular phone.
If on the way home from work, you use your portable and cellular phone
in your car, to reprogram a Tomahawk missile, in flight, and redirect
it to take out the joker in the Cadillac who cut you off.
If you try to press Alt-F4 to close your car window.
When you put a CD-ROM in your car's player.
When someone tells you about a great new program and you're very
disappointed to find it's on TV.
If every sentence you utter begins with, "On the Net..."
If you put your e-mail address in the upper left-hand corner of
envelopes.
If you have your e-mail address printed on your stationary.
When you insist on seeing the movie "The Net" - for the 63rd time.
If magazines like "InternetWorld" are of greater interest than
"Playboy" or "Playgirl".
If you maintain more than 6 e-mail addresses.
If you use more than 20 passwords.
If you set up your own Web page.... using Notepad!
If you set up a Web page for each of your kids... and your pets.
If, instead of a phone number, you ask someone for their e-mail
address.
If you don't know anyone who DOESN'T have an e-mail addresses.
If, to you, 'safe sex' means doing it online.
If you convince your mom that she HAS to get online because e-mail
is so much cheaper than long distance phone charges.
If you can write a list like this.
If you can relate to a list like this.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
Announcing the:
1988
REC. HUMOR.FUNNY
Computer Network Humour
Annual
I often get requests for back-jokes out of rec....
