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• deer hunting A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time.
  After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of informatio...
• HAVE A MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse.
  The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping....
• The Gang A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.
  Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering....
• YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN: * You take a vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
  * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ....
• HOW COLD IS IT? An annotated thermometer (degrees Fahrenheit) +50 * New York tenants turn on the heat * Minnesotans plant gardens +40 * Californians shiver uncontrollably * Minnesotans sunbathe +35 * Italian cars don't start +32 * Distilled water freezes +30 * You can see your breath * You plan a vacation in Florida * Politicians begin to worry about the homeless * Minnesotans eat ice cream +25 * Boston water freezes * Californians weep pitiably * Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you +20 * Cleveland water freezes * San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA * Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts +15 * You plan a vacation to Cancun * Minnesotans go swimming +10 * Politicians begin to talk about the homeless * Too cold to snow * You need jumper cables to get the car going 0 * New York landlords turn on the heat -5 * You can hear your breath * You plan a vacation in Hawaii -10 * American cars don't start * Too cold to skate -15 * You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo * Miamians cease to exist * Minnesotans lick flagpoles -20 * Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you * Politicians actually do something about the homeless * People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens -25 * Too cold to kiss * You need jumper cables to get the driver going * Japanese cars don't start * Minnesota Twins head for spring training -30 * You plan a two-week hot bath * Bock beer production begins * Minnesotans shovel snow off roof -38 * Mercury freezes * Too cold to think * Minnesotans button top button -40 * Californians disappear * Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you * Minnesotans put on sweaters -50 * Congressional hot air freezes * Alaskans close the bathroom window * Green Bay Packers practice indoors -60 * Walruses abandon Aleutians * Minnesotans put gloves away
  ake out mittens * Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start -70 * Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets * Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI -80 * Polar bears abandon Baffin Island * Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby -90 * Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles * Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer -100 * Santa Claus abandons North Pole * Minnesotans pull down earflaps -173 * Ethyl alcohol freezes -445 * Superconductivity -452 * Helium becomes a liquid -454 * Hell freezes over -456 * Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90 -458 * Incumbent politician renounces campaign contribution -460 (Absolute Zero) * All atomic motion ceases * Minnesotans allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy "A Smile A Day" mailing list === (C) Copyright 1996 - 1998 === jokester@hilarious....
• ENTER DATA, ENAMORATA Back into the fray. Thanks to all who sent along best wishes at the outset of my vacation.
  Now, as you rejoin the ranks and the column moves out into another fiscal front, let’s get those shoulders back, chests out, stomachs in and tongues in cheek....
• SPOKE NOW, OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PACE Sometimes, when I’m scouting up ahead for The March, I discover more than I wanted to know.
  My job: to burden you with this information, so we all come away from The March with a surplus of wit & wisdom....
• Your Baseball Team Isn't Doing Well 15> Your owner is named Marge and it appears there *is* a God.
  14> Your team is a mile high and it's *not* the Rockies....