A Cynics Guide To Life
** The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
** I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks And a ball game gets rained out And a car rusts and...
** Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.
** Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later,
you'll inhale a bee.
** Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
** If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
** If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
** When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.
** It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
** A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
** Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the
bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the
"whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
** Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are
down.
** Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the
neighbor's car!
** When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember
that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
** This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.
That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
** It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
** Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's
cheaper than plastic surgery.
** This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land and
get off my land
** Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off,
and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
