The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my
cat.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
somebody else.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a
foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road.
That's why the highway department made so many of them.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to
the end of his chain and gag himself.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of
poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing
bikini brief...
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I wind up sharing
elevators with a lot of bright people.
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already
there resent it.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes
on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit
their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in
it... that's everything!
W H Y C O P S H A T E Y O U <<<<&l <
-if you have to ask get out of the way-
Have you ever been stopped by a traffic cop and, while he was
writing a ticket or giving you a warning, you got the feeling that
he would just love to yank you out of the car, right through the
window, and smash your face into the front fender?...
