IS SANTA A WOMAN? I Hate To Be The One To Defy Sacred Myth, But I Believe He's A She.

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IS SANTA A WOMAN?
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy ( and a "straight' guy at
that!)could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men
don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the
mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench
sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would
wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the shopping bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be
getting there. First of all, here would be no reindeer because they would
all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid
wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's
rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa
DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems because
he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse
to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a
man:
1. Men can't pack a bag.
2. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
3. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with
all those elves.
4. Men don't answer their mail.
5. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest,
as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
6. Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
7. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women.
8. Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

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