How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:
- Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you
wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and
take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.
- Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as
you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into
an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a
milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and
put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into
the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash
them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There,
perfect!
- Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice
your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
- Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk
to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head
office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store.
Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and
child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them
that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
