How To Know Whether or Not You Are Ready For Parenthood
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands
in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small
net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for
10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.
Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for
5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the
beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly
for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them
on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.
