WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
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"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a
stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
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"Let's take your car."
Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
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"Woman driver."
Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a
better driving record than me."
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"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve,
black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
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"It's a guy thing."
Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."
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"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
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"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
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"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
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"Have you lost weight?"
Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
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"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
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"It would take too long to explain."
Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
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"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
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"I got a lot done."
Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
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"We're going to be late."
Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
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"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means....
"I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
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"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
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"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means....
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
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"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
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"That's interesting, dear."
Really means....
"Are you still talking?"
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"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."
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"You expect too much of me."
Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."
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"It's a really good movie."
Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
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"That's women's work."
Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
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"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no
more peanut butter."
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"Go ask your mother."
Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."
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"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."
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"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means....
"The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe."
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"Football is a man's game."
Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
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"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means....
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."
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"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
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"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
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"I can't find it."
Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
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"What did I do this time?"
Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"
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"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
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"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means....
"She refused to make my coffee."
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"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means....
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
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"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."
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"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means....
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
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"I heard you."
Really means....
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days
yelling at me."
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"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."
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"You look terrific."
Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
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"I brought you a present."
Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
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"I missed you."
Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
paper."
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"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."
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"We share the housework."
Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."
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"I recycle."
Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
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"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
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"It sure snowed last night."
Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
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"It's good beer."
Really means....
"It was on sale."
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"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
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"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
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"I broke up with her."
Really means....
"She dumped me."
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"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
